The stated reasons? The Canadian government allegedly provides unfair subsidies to Canadian lumber firms like West Fraser Mills and Canfor Corp.
. As Trump tweeted
, “Canada has made business for our dairy farmers in Wisconsin and other border states very difficult. We will not stand for this. Watch!”
Now for the real reasons, which I think are obvious: Justin Trudeau’s handshake, Samantha Bee’s insults, and Canada’s superior lumberjacks.
First, the handshake. Did you see the viral video of Trump literally jerking people around with his bizarre handshake? It’s a habit of his to suddenly pull people forward, mid-handshake, making them practically topple over.
A signature Trump alpha-monkey move. He even does it to people he likes. Bet you didn’t expect to practically lose an appendage during that handshake, did you, Neil Gorsuch?
How embarrassing. And Trump isn’t going to let that kind of humiliation go unpunished.
Next: One of the most incisive and effective Trump critics — and there are some great ones all around the world — is undoubtedly Samantha Bee.
• Orange supremacist
• First-grader with a head injury
• George Wallace in a wig
• Melting hunk of uninformed apricot Jell-O
Finally, there’s the Canadian lumberjack factor. Did you know — and this is a scientific fact — that Canadian lumberjacks are, on average, 25% more masculine than American lumberjacks? Did you also know that some say
Paul Bunyan himself was of French Canadian origin?
The insult to Trump’s masculinity is just too much. He had to fight back. Frankly, he didn’t have a choice. And what’s the best way to fight back? By starting a trade war.
Sure, Canada is a NATO ally, a great northern neighbour and a trade partner to the tune of
more than half a trillion dollars a year, benefiting both countries. And sure, trade wars usually only encourage one-upmanship, and tit-for-tat retaliation, creating losers on both sides of the border.
That’s if a trade war happens.
If a real war happens, well, I think Alan Alda said it best
in the movie “Canadian Bacon”: “Surrender pronto, or we’ll level Toronto!”
Take that, Canada!